Maybe I shouldn’t say I’m too logical for love, because, well… I’ve only ever really loved two people in my life. They sort of set the bar a bit too high. I was 20 when I feel in love for the first time, and I’d have retired there. Long story short, the person broke my heart. I spent the next 5 years broken. In return, I hurt anyone that came near me. I could never give myself to anyone fully, because I was always comparing. Through that time, I was very promiscuous and destructive. I think I just needed to feel things and I didn’t care who put their hands on me or in me. I was really screwed up, man. I don’t feel that way much anymore. I’m just really cautious and tend to karate kick people away. I really do try to get close to people, but I don’t want to waste my time. I’ve spent far too much time giving myself away and to people who WERE NOT deserving of it. I think back on it now, and there is a chance that I might resent parts of myself for being that way.
You know that kiss a stranger video that’s going around? Well, none of it seemed to make me “overly happy” or feel “sweet inside.” There is one specific couple that people are obsessing over, and it was the one couple I thought had the least passion. It was the only one I thought was actually passion less, even though the girl was trying. I thought the two guys gave off more of an honest depiction of what it would be like to kiss an actual stranger. I don’t know, maybe I’m just not a “la la land” type of person when it comes to love or passion.
Every day I wake up in this world, under this sun; sharing this light with you. I’ll always want to begin there, begin with that thought. If I can’t tell myself those things, then I know that the spaces between will fill up and you’ll dim before me. I’ll dim too, because I’ll forget how to begin with the sun.